Shalom Aleichem

2012-02-15T00:10:00.003+07:00

For a moment, I really thought it was victory,
until I carelessly ruined it for myself.

Remarkable Quotes from Star Wars

2012-02-15T00:01:00.004+07:00

“Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease.”

“When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master.”

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

"Do or do not. There is no try."

“May the Force be with you.”

Words are the Source of Misunderstandings

2012-02-14T23:41:00.002+07:00

All these years, I’ve been haunted by the idea that I often mess things up with words, that I often push people away because of words, that I often fail to deliver what I really want to say, that I am the one who makes people perceive me as opposed to my intention. Gandhi once said, “Create and preserve the image of your choice.” I’ve long ago learned that it’s not a very easy thing to do, or at least, to me.

Now even that one paragraph might have created a wrong image of me. These things just don’t make sense sometimes. Why can’t it be simple? Well, maybe I’m the one making it complicated, but still. So, anyway, back to the topic - when I said ‘people’ in the previous paragraph, I was talking about people in general; but that’s not where the problem is. I don’t care too much about what people think about me, ‘cause after all, it’s only a matter of perception - they don’t possess the true knowledge of me. But then again, who does? Even the fact that I’m a very self-aware person doesn’t let me know myself for more than 80%(Note: self-diagnosis). I mean, everything changes over time - nothing is static. I am not the same person as I was one second ago. I can feel myself grow…with each and every word and character that I type, in this very box. Thus, I guess nobody and nothing in this world is that reliable after all. So I might as well ignore what they think as long as they’re not important. I do care about what the people I care about think about me, ‘cause I really just want to keep them close to me. These are the people who matter.

To be honest, I’m thinking of one specific person right now. I think I said something wrong. But I really do wish that it’s only wrong in my mind and not in yours. But then again, I really wish I could take those words back. I also wish that I wasn’t that sleepy that night, ‘cause then I surely would’ve been more cautious of my sayings.

Now as silly as it may sound, someway, somehow, I truly wish you could hear me. But in other ways, I also don’t want you to hear me. I know this sounds confusing, but deal with it, aight? Well, just in case you think that what I said was wrong or annoying, or that I was being such a bitch, please do forgive me. Please do understand that I might only be trying to prove a point for a reason you surely understand. And as unreliable as it may sound, I don’t see myself as a reliable person when the clock strikes twelve and the lights are out - but this isn’t an alibi, okay - Socrates stated that people are unreliable when they’re in just-woke-up or sleepy state; besides, not trying to put the blame on you or anything, but you were the one making it impossible for me to not sleep late. But most of all, please don’t change your perception about me. I don’t know why what you think matters so much. I wish it doesn’t, but it does.

I have always believed that words are the main source of misunderstandings, or at least, most of the time - I thank the Fox for making it clearer. If I could alter the necessity of utilizing words in any form, I would - I literally would. Unfortunately, it’s beyond nature’s law and the things I’m capable of. But can we just communicate without the use of words? Can we talk but not talk? Can we just ignore the essence of language for a little while? And surrender to the infinity of possibilities? Can we just sit here and not say anything? And grow back whatever it was that we have lost?

Can we?

The Foregone, the Years, and the One Within

2012-02-13T18:12:00.000+07:00

Two years ago, I asked the universe,
"What if?"
I waited, asked - again and again;
But she never answered me

And so I asked myself,
also the other self of mine
But I couldn't answer,
nor could she,

Maybe we were just too scared,
Too scared of our own eyes,
and what they're capable of seeing

But sooner or later,
Either one of us had to find out
That it was only sooner or later,
That it was only a matter of time

Every possibility,
the best and the worst,
She tried to accept

And so time flew fast,
So fast that she could barely notice

And now it's happening
But she had long ago learned not to be picky about farewells,
And I have now learned that later would always be too soon,

In a place where the very thought of you,
comes and goes just like days and nights,
Like the sun and the wind,
Like seconds and years,
Like the beginning and the end

Like you,
Or your memory...

2012-02-11T15:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I miss you, sometimes I don't.
But a lot of the times, I do.

Pigeon Valley

2012-02-03T22:10:00.001+07:00

Visit my gallery: kurosakii.deviantart.com :-)

I Am Grateful & Inspired

2012-01-27T20:47:00.000+07:00

A teacher of ours told us that people who are creative and good with their hands - or in other words: artistic - RULE THE WORLD. Although I personally don't quite agree with that statement, 'cause you know, there are lots of left-brained geniuses too, I am utterly inspired by his saying. Artists - I feel so blessed to realize that I am perhaps one of them. Thank you! Now I'm so inspired that I'm gonna ditch my IT project for a while and edit a photograph instead. :"D

Can somebody please get me this?

2012-01-23T23:09:00.000+07:00

I'll love you forever and ever.

The Great Perhaps

2012-01-19T22:47:00.004+07:00

Unlike François Rabelais, I don't have to wait until I die to find my Great Perhaps. When he said, "I go to seek my Great Perhaps" before he died, I assume he was talking about death as the great unknown - the great maybe.

Well, to those who believe, there's Heaven and Hell. But to the doubtful and the Why-ers, there probably aren't. And I'm kind of one of those in the second group. Heaven is not a certainty, and so is Hell, and so is the afterlife, and God, and love, and everything else.

Rabelais saw death as an uncertain factor - and he's right. But death isn't the only thing that's uncertain about life. The way I see it, life, along with everything in it itself, is a Great Perhaps. I mean, have you ever thought about how strange it is to be alive, to be anything, or to exist at all? Well that's big enough of a question mark for me. Actually, I have a gazillion more of those inquiries. And now you know why I have trouble sleeping at night.

P.S. In case you wonder where that picture of me was taken, it's Cappadocia, Turkey. Beautiful place. :)

P.P.S. My Physics report is waiting!! AAAAHHH!! Smell ya later. Hope my monkey mind will just take its lovely rest tonight.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

2012-01-09T16:24:00.000+07:00

There are so many books I want to read, photos I want to edit, thoughts I want to really write about instead of put in my Draft, not to mention my yearning to teach myself Swedish...

Too bad, I still have 3 or more Internal Assessments left to do. I also don't know what and how much to come in the next months before May. To be honest, I'm pretty anxious about May. I think that the only time I can truly feel peaceful about my life will only begin the second my very last IB exam finishes, and that's May 21st by latest. However, that's not the end yet. I will still have to wait until the result comes out, and that will approximately be in mid-June. Long way to go, isn't it?

No problem. I will get through this. I will not disappoint myself in my last months of high school. I will finish whatever task given one by one, slowly but surely. No looking back. Everything's easy once you know how. There's nothing Felisa can't handle.

*I hope this doesn't count as complaining. 'Cause I already promised myself not to complain about anything in this new year. :p

Aight, anyway, I'm being very positive about university life. People say that high school is the most enjoyable time in one's history of education life. But I just can't wait to leave it. Not because I hate it, it's just that I'm tired of all the routines and everything related to IBla-bla-bla~~~ So, according to plan, I'll be heading here in June:

Edith Cowan University (Joondalup Campus), Perth, WA

The building sure looks aesthetically nice. I've been to the place as well and I see no problem with it. But the fact that it's located in Joondalup - well, this is what bothers me most. For those of you who don't know, Joondalup is a really small city that is separated from the city center (Perth) by a more or less 20-minute train ride. I'm just afraid I'll get homesick, that's all. But anyhow, I'm still being very optimistic about this Great Perhaps. Excited even. So don't ruin it! LMAO I mean, hey, a new life is waiting for me! New place, new faces, new shops, new stuff, new everyday life! :"-D

SOOOOOOOO, in order for me to get to that peaceful phase, I'm gonna have to achieve my academic goals first. Therefore, I'm gonna have to stop typing down this post and start finalizing my World Literature Essay. So, yeah, you're right - it's time to part :'(. I don't think I'll be able to post anything in the next few weeks/months, 'cause school starts this Thursday. Let's just hope I'll have time to at least make one or two artistic photos! Just wish me all the best, people! CIAO. :-D

2012-01-05T15:14:00.001+07:00

So, for a few months, I had became so easily triggered (emotionally). I got annoyed/irritated/mad so easily and all that. Since it's a new year, which to me is more like another chance-slash-excuse to start new, I have decided that I will not be that person anymore. I will be the person I once was - a person who possessed the ability to fill her mind with positive thoughts and energy even in the worst of situations. Yes, I will be that person once more. :))

"Enjoy it. Because it's happening."

Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

No matter how bad something is, there must be something good about it. Nothing is ever truly one-sided. It's only a matter of where you look at it from. Perception is skill, my friends. :))

Have yourself a very merry Labbitty Christmas, everybody!

2011-12-25T00:45:00.001+07:00

2011-12-19T17:08:00.001+07:00

"The leaves they fall to my feet,at home, they mean nothing to me."

2011-12-19T14:11:00.005+07:00

"And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. "

Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

Camwhoring Moment at the Library

2011-12-09T11:41:00.001+07:00

ISG all the way. Being so unproductive at school.

HOLIDAY, Y U NO COME SOONER?

2011-12-09T11:14:00.001+07:00

Lazy Kumas

by *kurosakii on DeviantArt

Me and my sister at Halloween :)

My Philosophy on Love

2011-12-06T18:48:00.001+07:00

To love means to be able to accept and appreciate something or someone as a whole package. In the context of love for a person, it is physically, mentally, emotionally, and basically every aspect that makes up an individual, including their past and present.

Therefore, love is a process - it takes time - hence, I do not believe in love at first sight. Romeo and Juliet is fiction, and life isn't that easy. Those things we see in books and movies are mostly merely things that people long for but don't exist.

Love is also a decision, for one cannot love if one is not willing - which is also to say that I do not believe in the idea of true love. They say it's the kind of love that's just there, one that lasts forever. I mean, there are a lot of people in the world, and when we say "He/she is my true love," it actually means "Among those I've met, he/she is the one who matches me most." Love is nothing like Stephenie Meyer's werewolf imprints. We can choose who we want to love. We cannot love without our awareness, permission and intention.

Furthermore, nothing is forever. The way I see it, to us humans, forever ends when we die. You can say that it doesn't, but how do you know it doesn't? When your soul is out, are you sure you're still yourself? The problem is that we don't have anyone who has ever died to share. It just doesn't work that way. This is hard to explain, but I hope you get me. The point is that just like a living organism, love grows and dies, and so it has to be nurtured to live longer.

Youth today is often blinded by love as pictured by fairy tales and fiction. Life is hard, my friends. Nothing is really "made for us". We make things happen, because we are the ones in charge of our own fate. Mother Nature doesn't give things for free. Whatever we want in this place takes effort. I know it's nice to be a dreamer, because I am a dreamer myself. But don't ever forget that sometimes it's also important to be realistic. :)

P.S. My thoughts are pretty messy right now, 'cause talking about love always makes my mind wander in all directions, 'cause it's a very complex topic, or at least, to me. So, my dear readers, please don't pick on my structure, transition and whatnots. I just feel like sharing. PEACE! o:)

Am I too cynical, too sensitive, too narcissistic, or is it really normal for me to be annoyed?

2011-12-04T01:00:00.001+07:00

Jealous people, why do you have to be jealous of everything and everyone? Can't you get a life or something? Instead of bothering about how other people look and dress; trying hard to hide that you're a popular wannabe; making so much effort to find flaws in those you think are better than you, WHY don't you do fucking something good that can fucking at least boost up your fucking self-esteem and make your fucking life worthwhile?

I just don't get how people can be so shallow and stupid at times.
Get over yourselves, suckers. You guys are so lame.

*I apologize for the swear words. They're just expressively strong.

Just so I won't forget

2011-11-23T23:47:00.001+07:00

Thur, Nov 24, 2011

1) Quickly study for English Exam tomorrow
2) Finalize EE
3) Gym at 6 pm (MUST)

Entrapped by the Hands of Time

2011-11-21T15:04:00.001+07:00

The clock is ticking,
life is happening,
knowledge is evolving,
people are changing,
promises are breaking

Then tell me, universe,
why am I the only one stuck in here?

The Science of Sleep and the Mysterious Night

2011-11-17T23:16:00.006+07:00

A wooden house on the clouds, a pet whale and a pair of wings; oh, the things I used to own... We would fly around with the airborne bunnies and have our little adventure at the Rainbow Playground. And when the sun bid its goodbye and Mother Luna began to open her eyes, we'd pretend like medieval stargazers, starring in a movie.

Then, we'd eventually get tired; our time to part was my least favorite part of every day. And each night, you'd earnestly cheer me up by telling the Luna to stay the night outside my window so that I wouldn't feel so alone; yet still, I hated sleeping.

If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be my wish for humans to lose their ability to fall asleep. I hated to close my eyes and surrender to the science of sleep. I hated the fact that when we sleep, we're giving ourselves up completely to the infinite number of possibilities lied in the state of unconsciousness; the fact that I must miss all the things I do not want to miss. But most of all, I hated to know that the universe can change every bit, every atom of this life in a matter of milliseconds and still, I should let them do it.

And who are you to be sure that everything will be alright the moment you wake up? When nobody and nothing is ever the same way twice...

Back from Hiatus

2011-11-16T21:55:00.001+07:00

I think I'm gonna be active on Blogger again. Blogging in Tumblr doesn't really feel like the real blogging. I'm sorry for the crappy layout. I haven't really had the time to beautify my blog whatsoever - I AM A SLAVE OF IB. I seriously can't wait to graduate high school and get my Diploma; I'm already tired with all these routines.

If I'm not mistaken, the last time I really wrote something in here was 1 or 2 years ago. Well, things have changed and so have I. Growing up is quite hard after all.

Anyway, I'm going to write as much as I can, aight. Guten nacht. I'll tell you stories soon. :)

That Moment of Ellipsis

2011-11-16T19:42:00.001+07:00

I'd be lying if I say I hadn't been waiting for it.

Walking Down My Own Trail

2011-10-10T12:32:00.001+07:00

I wonder if you were pretending. I wonder if that rhetorical question truly was referring to what was going on. I wonder if you are what I suppose you are, although I desperately hope you aren’t, never were and never will be.

I regret saying all those things. I am disappointed at the thought of the person that I was. I regret for being a fool. But most of all, I regret being a fool to your eyes and not knowing at all. I regret it. I regret everything, though not the whole part of everything.

I understand that too. If anything, I understand it more than anyone else does. And I’m sure you knew that. But it was I who was wise to say those words; for I remembered them every single day, for I knew you would, for I was aware of what I was going to lose in a matter of months, or weeks, or days…, for I meant it more than any mind could every imagine.

So many stars, so little feathers. So much talk, so little said. Empty hopes and facades, things I reckon sometimes. Dare not to promise, ‘cause the pen’s already scribbling down the list. What was it that you were hiding? Was it merely a feeling or was it worth the guilt?

The light has gone, just like this year’s month of February. Now it’s time for sleep. The sun is in dreamless slumber; but the old moon is leaving.

Good morning. Ich werde dich erinnern.

Dunce, I let your efforts go to waste and I'm not sorry.

2011-09-20T18:16:00.000+07:00

One, who are you to tell me what to wear and do?

Two, who are you to say that my belief is wrong and yours is right?

Three, if you can't accept others' differences, then don't claim yourself to be what you think you are.

Four, I don't see any reason why a person as shallow as you can be regarded as worthy of any remaining space in my world.

Five, you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. Just shut it out and stop complaining; 'cause that's just me and I can't stop myself from being me. So, if you want me to change for you, I'm sorry, I'm not that low.

SIX, for your information, your wicked stupid words have never affected the way I feel about myself in any way. Just so you know, I have my principles, dignity, and a strong sense of worth in myself. As you may have guessed, I feel happy for what I am and you can't change that.

Seven, so say what you need to say, I won't listen anyway.

Eight, trying to discourage me and drop down my self-esteem again and again won't help you hide your insecurity. Apologies on me for noticing this.

Nine, thank you for letting me know how terrible of a person you are. But most of all, thank you for not letting me keep up with your sick personality for a longer time.

Ten, the 80/20 principle is very true, indeed, if you know what I mean. :)

The Sweetest Friend

2011-01-31T21:28:00.001+07:00

Gian: Nevertheless, I'll show you how cool the shirt is on me.
Gian: Fellll, thank you so much, my bestie, I really love both your special marvelous b'day card and gorgeous present, it just perfectly fits me :D, thank you so much ya Fel for the message and everything <3 bestie
Gian: *sends photo file*

AWWW GIAN, SUCH A SWEET FRIEND THAT YOU AREEEE. :')) <3

I Love You So Much

2010-05-30T22:18:00.000+07:00

October 17, 2009

I love you so much, that I felt so envious when you told me how you adore Megan Fox.
I love you so much, no matter what you think, say and do.
I love you so much, for it is you whom I write this for.

Draft post - September 6, 2009 - It somehow surprised me.

2010-05-30T22:12:00.000+07:00

Being oh-so-kind-and-sweet today, and indefinably irritating the next, bringing me up and down like elevators - this is so YOU.

I have tried to move on for so many times, but they're no use, I keep on falling all over again.

But tonight I'm breaking this spell you put on me, and I mean it!

I'm not gonna stay here forever, because I know I deserve someone better.

Someday you will turn your head back and realize that I'm not there.

The World I Will be Living

2010-05-28T04:19:00.000+07:00

One day I will create my own world - a world where rainbows are playgrounds of the pixies, where the sky is adorned with cotton candy clouds, a world where bunnies; whales; and humans can fly. :)

2010-03-18T00:05:00.001+07:00

RAWR!

2010-03-17T01:35:00.001+07:00

One, it makes me smile every time I think about you and all the moments that we have shared.

Two, I always have your name on my list of things to do.

Three, a day without you is not what I can call a well-spent day.

Four, when I’m next to you, I know that nothing else matters.

Five, those three words are on the tip of my tongue, but I won’t let them fall out my mouth ever again. (I wish)

Six, I hope it’s not me that I’m talking about.

Wherever

2010-03-17T01:33:00.000+07:00

Take me by the hand,

and never let go,

We’ll run as the wind rolls,

to the place that neither of us know

~”~”~

We don’t need no maps,

nor the stars to draw their trails,

Because there’s no destination,

there’s no need for direction

~”~”~

We’ll run,

and eventually lose our way,

in place so far away,

where the world will be ours

~”~”~

So, please take me by the hand,

and never let go,

I want to be lost,

in you…

-----------------------------

-Felisa Lestari Tan-

Facts About Me

2010-03-14T00:21:00.001+07:00

10 things about myself:

think a lot, and in a very detailed manner

a perfectionist

originated from Bandung, lived in that town, moved to Jakarta when I was 9

can stay up all night in front of my monitor

can’t sleep earlier than 11.30 p.m (been trying but never made it)

interested in anything related to technology

find it so hard to fall in love, and even harder to move on

had always wondered about the internet, but never got to use it until I was 11

completely autodidact in photography, cubing, poem writing, every electronic device that I have and ever had, and frankly proud of it

have never owned an eyeliner, lipstick, blush-on, face powder, and other things as such; nor did I ever have the slightest yearn to (and I don’t know why)

9 things I see right now:

my PC

water bottle

pencil box

Rubik’s Cube

handycam

white mug

iPod

trophies

Bamboo digitizer

8 songs I can’t stop listening to:

Wedding Bell - Depapepe (all-time favorite!)

Canon in D - Pachelbel

Bunda - Melly Goeslaw

Inevitable - Anberlin

Reality - Richard Sanderson

Belle of the Boulevard - Dashboard Conventional

Glad (Acoustic) - Tyler Hilton

Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams

5 things that cross my mind a lot:

one of the world’s 6,602,224,175 human males

homework, assessments, GPA

family

photography

romance

3 biggest celebrity crushes: (though I’m not so into celebrities)

Jeremy Kapone

Aaron Johnson

Kenichi Matsuyama

3 things I’m currently addicted to:

again…that someone

designer toys

photography

3 TV shows you’ve seen every episode of:

Gossip Girl

90210

2 things I want to do before I die.

find true love

find the beauty of living

Your dream future:

Job - full-time businesswoman, part-time photographer
City - Jakarta? Oslo? Sitka would be nice, too :)
Car - Totoro car :3
Pet - none (ain't really a pet person)

Intuition, Direction, and Decision

2010-03-07T01:50:00.000+07:00

Maybe sometimes, you just gotta listen to the voice inside you.

Maybe sometimes, you just have to follow your heart.

Maybe sometimes, a little faith is all you need.

Those Wasted Days

2010-03-06T01:35:00.001+07:00

photo under copyright of MaraDamian on DeviantArt

We only live once,

that’s what they say

~”~”~

And so we should only do the things that we want to do,

the only things which we think are fun

~”~”~

You think life is that simple,

and so you take it the easy way

~”~”~

You ditch your responsibilities,

trying to refuse how complicated life is

~”~”~

You convince yourself that you have won the game of life,

but what’s real is that it’s only beginning to defeat you

~”~”~

You are turning 99 today,

you look in the mirror and wonder:

all those years of my life, where had they gone?

Where had they led me to?

With You, I Fell in Love for the First Time

2010-03-06T01:31:00.001+07:00

You may have left long ago,

words may remain unspoken,

and eighteen months might be way too short.

Bad sides that were never revealed,

feeling that never once was gone completely,

an image that has always seemed so unspoiled.

Days that were hard to forget,

a person so perfect I don’t want to not remember,

memories so beautiful I want to make them last…

———————————————————————————————

I let you broke into the barricades I built around myself. I let you show me that I am not that strong at all. I let you become the first guy I have ever shed a tear on. I let you be my cause to turn a little more girlie. I let you be the first person to ever be my reason to download love songs. I let my brain distract me by flashing out your face every second when I was awake. I even let you pass my dreams at night. You proved to me that even the coldest heart can melt. I let you be the first guy to ever touched this heart of mine. And even more amazing, there never was once a time that I regret a single thing.

Thank you.

———————————————————————————————

drawing made for me by: Lulu (2007)

You as the Hands of Time

2010-02-21T01:58:00.000+07:00

You as the Hands of Time

-Felisa Lestari Tan-

When I'm with you,

time stops,

because it's true,

that there are no more time cops

Every time we're together,

all my problems go away

Though this can't last forever,

I always hope that you will stay

But as it is,

our time is never enough,

never enough for a first kiss,

nor an afternoon with marshmallow fluffs

When you say you need to go,

I have a rather soundless shock in my heart,

and as I put up a smile to say "alright,"

I wish I could hold you tight and never let go

Each time we part,

you take a little piece of my heart with you,

and there's nothing I long more than a rewind button,

and a time machine, too

But you are the time machine,

you are the time cops,

And as I'm staring at the scene,

I hope time...would once again stop

A for Annoying

2010-02-20T22:51:00.000+07:00

///: you're in my mind. that's so annoying

Felisa: you think it's annoying? alright then, I won't stop running in ur mindie-mind

♥ ♥ ♥

As It Slowly Slips Away

2010-02-13T00:10:00.000+07:00

For the countless time, the thought bothers me. For the infinite time, the question pops in my mind. For the innumerous time, I fear about the same thing. As I’m writing this, I’m digging into my own thoughts - the thoughts I shouldn’t let myself care about. Question marks seem to all appear in the vacuum of my head. My heart beats fast as the bug creeps into my brain, and I wonder about what might happen and how I would deal. I know it is never really mine. I understand very well that I have no right to feel this way. But I’m just too scared…scared that one day I might wake up and realize that it’s gone. I’d turn my head to look at the bedside table - it’s not there. I’d pull myself to the side, bend my head down to search for it - no, not there. I’d get up and go through my drawers - again, not there. I’d walk over to the wardrobe, open the door, rummage through my clothes - and still, it’s not there. “Then where is it,” I’d hear myself shout. But nobody would answer because they don’t know, and neither would nothing ever answer because they’re merely things…Then again, I’d ask myself once more, “Where is it?!” But it’s too late. It’s nowhere, and so it could never be found…

♥ ♥ ♥

2010-02-09T23:41:00.001+07:00

“And when her lips met mine, I knew that I could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when I first kissed the girl of my dreams…”

— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

Strangers Again?

2010-02-09T23:38:00.001+07:00

It’s funny how people can be strangers for a lifetime, until the day that they met. And after some days, or weeks, or months, or years, they’ll be almost inseparable. Then, something happens, and for once again, they become perfect strangers…

When Time is not So Slow and Distance is not So Close

2010-02-09T00:38:00.000+07:00

When Time is not So Slow and Distance is not So Close

-Felisa Lestari Tan-

3 months, 2 weeks and 5 days,

and after that,

you'll vanish from the place,

where we often spend our always-little time at

No one can promise,

if I'd still feel the same way on the day you need to go,

but recalling the past two years,

I guess I know how it would show

I wish I could stop being so scared,

scared of never hearing your little laugh again,

scared of never seeing you with that smile again,

scared of missing too many moments that we can share...

Oh, am I worrying too much?

I wish I could push away the thought,

the thought of you leaving,

the thought of you drifting away...

We all know how distance can be so mean,

and we'll never know what this life could bring,

I first met you when I was fourteen,

and I've known enough of a heart that no longer sings

I can feel my thoughts,

as they tangle, and twist, and knot,

I can sense my emotions,

as they race to make me caught

What if your angel shows up at your door,

and I will lose the key to my lock?

What if this time, I can't do no more,

and for once again, we become strangers?

You and My Bionic Heart

2010-01-28T08:46:00.000+07:00

(I edited it a bit)

In bad times, I assure myself that I am both the controller and the controlled. In good times, I surrender myself; I let you be the remote and my heart the robot, until the second the battery drained. Sometimes it takes a little long to make it charged back up, sometimes it does not. Oftentimes I fear that it would never get its life back again, though until now, it has never happened, and never will, I hope.

2010-01-17T22:23:00.000+07:00

"Somewhere I've Never Been"

Keywords

2010-01-16T23:28:00.000+07:00

Do you remember how we met?

Hmm do you?

Yes, do u?

Yes, I do.

Explain it in a word. A keyword.

2010-01-03T01:23:00.000+07:00

How is it possible for me to let someone else in, while he happens to be the one having the lock and key to my heart?

They say love can melt the coldest hearts; I guess they're right after all.

P.S. I don't wanna make it sound like bull or melancholic, but this is how I really feel, and right now, I just can't think of any other way to say it.

2009-12-31T01:57:00.000+07:00

By the way, December 31st is not just the New Year's Eve - we've got a birthday to celebrate!

It's my grandmother's! She's turning 70 today!

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y ,

E M A !

We all know how much you miss Engkong, and how much you long for him to be here right now. Honestly, I miss him SOOOO much, too, but as it is, we all have to move on.

I understand how hard it is for you to do so, but we all must recover - you should recover, and you will.

One thing I'm sure of - you're a strong woman, always have been and always will be.

So, please be sad no more.

I love you much.

We all do. ♥

2009 is coming to an end.

2009-12-31T01:32:00.000+07:00

Yo, 'sup, everybody?

taken on Dec 31, 2008 at VIB, Lembang

Today is December the 31st of 2009 already. It feels like it was only yesterday that the year began, and now it's ending in precisely 23 hours.

To be honest, I was pretty neutral about the upcoming new year. But then someone, yeah, whom I do not to mention the name, told me about how today is the last day of 2009. Yes, telling was the only thing he did, and it doesn't suppose to affect me in any way, I notice. But I don't know why...the moment he said it, I felt a sudden *pang!*. Those words acted like a wake up call. The moment I saw those words on the screen, it was as if everything was coming back to me - everything that happened this year...from January to December, from the time when this someone and I were not literally in "peace" yet to the death of my beloved grandfather. ( speaking of my grampa...I'll write about him soon :') ) I think about all the ups and downs, I think about all the joys and pains, I think about every laughter and every tear, I think about my gain and loss, and just about everything that happened to my life this whole year. I look at them one by one...and I find myself like I somehow am not ready to let them go, to left them all behind, to accept that all of them are now merely the untouchable, simply memories. Of course they already were memories the second they had past, but it's only now that I realize how they TRULY had passed.

Oh, how fast time flies. Every incident of life...they come and they go - people, emotions, feelings, money. It is now that I finally recognize how a lot of things have happened in these twelve months.

No regrets, no grudge, no anger, no sadness, no nothing. Now let us all open our arms wide and greet the new year with a warm welcome. Let us all embrace 2010 and the annum shall embrace you! :D

Whoopsie, this may be a little bit too early, but..........

H E L L O , 2 0 1 0 !

TOP SECRET.

2009-12-30T23:41:00.000+07:00

So, I went out with three of my friends to the mall today. Then, when I got back home and was changing my clothes, I suddenly realized what was missing. I was like..."WHAT THE. . . . .?!?!" And yes, this was a whole new experience to me! haha I find it kind of hilarious yet stupid - EXTREMELY stupid indeed hahaha ROFL xD

P.S. Dear all, please don't take this the negative way. I'm just sharing. I mean...this blog is where I write stories of my life - from the usual to the weirdest part. FYI, all I wanna do is just to share things about the world I'm living - what I feel, how I do, what happens to me, how things are done and those kinda things. So, yeah, please don't think negative and just enjoy the ride! Gracias. :) ♥

not in the mood for words

2009-12-17T00:39:00.000+07:00

Sorry, I have not quite updated my blog. It's just that I had been so busy and December has been a harsh month for me - bad things, ya' know... Anyway, last Idul Fitri holiday, I went to Morocco, Spain, Portugal, Monaco, and southern France and Italy! I just thought that maybe I'd share you guys some pics. :]

PSY is always funny. xD

2009-12-17T00:10:00.000+07:00

상엽 says: -0-~~ what cha doin?
Felisa says: haha im just looking at photos, what about you?
상엽 says: i just looking for ma bed~
Felisa says: how come u forgot where ur bed is? O___O
상엽 says: bcuz im join in sleeping club!!!
Felisa says: sleeping club? what is that? i've never heard of it. >< so, tell me about sleeping club :D
상엽 says: this club is when i feel sleepy! the member must b go to bed~
Felisa: * . . . *

P.S. yeah, this guy always has something to make me laugh. even his corny jokes such as this, is funny haha xD

Bestie?

2009-12-05T01:44:00.000+07:00

Surrounded by all sorts of people, acquaintances are all around you, you have friends (a lot, actually), you get close to some, but only for a little time, (in the count of months, or even weeks, probably?). Deep down inside, you're looking for a real one (permanent, if possible?).

But when you finally meet someone, whom very much clicks you, you discover that there is a part of that person which totally does not fall into place. You are in search of a best friend, a friend who would still contact you when you go to university, a friend who would listen to all your emotional craps, a friend who would do crazy things with you just for the sake of fun, a friend who is a friend, a true one...

Have you ever come to a situation when you realize that a fidus Achates is so difficult to find? And that you are so lucky even just to have one? Have you ever felt like you definitely are in need of a best friend?

Hurry, Holiday!

2009-11-29T01:07:00.000+07:00

Oh my God, seriously, I simply cannot wait for the semester break! All those schoolworks and quizzes - gee, I'm exhausted already.

Things I look up to:

1) HOLIDAY SHOPPING!

I can hardly wait for the Christmas sales.

2) Superteen

I've missed it hell lot!

3) Bali

I need its relaxing atmosphere for my getaway. I gotta feel the waves, I want to surf! Plus, I want a full-day shopping time.

4) Bandung

I've been longing to have a photoshoot on the rooftop of my house in Bandung. I have also missed my cousins to death. AND I love shopping in this town. :)

5) Sweet escape!

Yeah, this is the point of it all. I truly am in need of an escape from reality. O_O

2009-11-26T02:56:00.000+07:00

"Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love."

A Lot Like Love (2005)

I hate the fact that my sister always tells me how foolish and weak I am for letting you....us be this way. Every time she says that, I would just avoid talking any further about it, because I'm afraid of my own thoughts, scared that I might agree, not ready to accept that maybe...just maybe...she actually is right.

Hey, but look. No one can ever understand how I'm feeling. You can never understand how someone is feeling until you literally experience and feel it yourself. The truth is...no one can ever use their mind quite rightly when he or she is in love, and I am in love.

Let me ask you this. If you were me, what would you do? Ignore and leave him? Simply go with the flow? Patiently wait and secretly hope for more?

Here is my respond:

1) IGNORE AND LEAVE

- Just like what Eminem wrote in his song When I'm Gone, "What happens when karma turns right around and bites you?" Yes, tell me, what if it's so. I have always been afraid of the thing called "karma" and I know exactly how it feels to be be ignored and left, and I truly don't need another experience of such kind. This results in one of the things I'm scared of most, which apparently is to be ignored then left. So, you see? I don't wanna be left and hurt, so why would I do something I don't want others to do to me? That is just downright absurd.

- Besides that, deep down in my heart, I know...

I know how he means a lot to me, how easily he can make me smile, how happy I am when he's around, how I love every single thing about him, and most of all, I know how much I love him, that I always find myself longing to stay close to him in every second I can spend...and leaving is definitely not an option.

2) WAIT AND HOPE

Now THIS is the worst of all three. It's an ultra-jumbo, huge, huge, N for NO! However weak I am, I am strong enough to not let myself do this one. (MOST) MEN ARE UNRELIABLE. Trust me, putting hope on this kind of guys will only result in a broken heart, and it is not easy to mend a heart that was once shattered.

3) KEEP THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE

This is what I'm probably doing. It's the easiest of all, because no decision is required for this one. All I gotta do is go with the flow (although denial is a big part). However, as long as the water resume its flow, things will keep on happening, (which is how I want it to be). But if things keep on going this way, I will be just as weak as I always have when it comes to this case, (which is the sad fact that I dislike).

The point?

I really wish I could let go of this feeling, leave him behind and just move on. Anyhow, I am not ready to let him to - I never am. Maybe I will, one day, after a month, or three, or even another year, I don't know...but it's just not now. Yes, letting go is never easy. This is why I would rather treasure every second that is spent with you, it is so much easier. What's the big deal about being weak or whatsoever? Everybody is weak in one way or another. And by the way, staying away from my own feeling does not make me strong. Realizing mistakes, putting up with the bad qualities and forgiving, that is what makes me strong. :)

I've got nothing to lose, so what else is there to hide?

I LOVE YOU.

I know you're asleep right now,

but I really do hope that you can hear me someway, somehow.

So, once again,

I LOVE YOU.

I'll see you in Dreamland.

2009-11-26T00:19:00.000+07:00

She's Got You High - Mumm-Ra

one of my favorite soundtracks from 500 Days of Summer :)

2009-11-25T01:09:00.001+07:00

random facts

2009-11-25T00:25:00.000+07:00

I don't seem to know why, but I kinda feel like talking about it.

So, here it goes!

I love . . .

1) GUYS IN HOODIES

'cause they make 'em look warm and huggable :)

2) GUYS IN POLO SHIRTS

'cause they make 'em look somehow mature, gentle and neat but not snobbish. :]

3) GUYS WITH GLASSES

Yes, yes, yes!

'cause they give 'em that "smart" and mature look, which to me...is SUPER HOT.

Alright, peace out, bloggers. ;)

Gashapones

2009-11-24T23:52:00.000+07:00

Gashapone machines!

Bleach gashapone?

Death Note gashapone?

Disney's gashapone!

(oh my gosh, get me those, pleaseee ^~^)

I have never been interested in any of those stuff until today - just now to be exact.

It turns out that HE LOVES GASHAPON.

kyaaaa I want to get him one, a cute one.

I guess it'll be worth a try.

Who knows what luck might get me? hihi

Laugh it off!

2009-11-24T23:35:00.000+07:00

Last Sunday, I suddenly thought about my long forgotten MySpace account.

So, I decided to open it.

Guess what I found?!?!?!

T H I S [!]

click on the image to enlarge! ;)

OH. MY. GOODY-GOODY GOD.

Yes, this time, you can laugh all you want. PLEASE!

I can't believe what I wrote.

I just can't believe the way I used to think, like seriously.

I can't believe how child-like and ANTI-boys I was. hahaha xD

And that was what? A year ago??

Geez, I don't even remember that I actually was that naive at that time.

Sometimes it's frightening how fast people can change, isn't it?

O__________O

And by the way, "physical contact" is more appropriate I guess. "-___-"

Well, yea, I know you might think that I'm so stupid for exposing my own shame or whatever.

But you know what? I don't care!

One thing you ought to know about me,

I enjoy sharing things with people,

and I believe that stupid little things make life colorful.

Imagine this world filled with all perfect things, no mistakes, no flaws, nothing to laugh at -

urghh, how BORING would that be?!?!?!?

So, people, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Go on and share anything you want to share!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I notice that I might have gone a little bit out of topic, but oh well...

Anyway, I'm sure you have heard about Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret?

It was about three years ago when I first saw the first PostSecret book:

PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives

Yeah, that was when I started to change.

He is one of those who's inspired me to be opened and not to

be scared of what others might say and think about me.

He has proved to the world that small things, even those dirty little secrets, are miraculously making life much more interesting!

So......

Thank you so much, Mr. Warren. :)

Reviews

2009-11-22T03:25:00.000+07:00

Last movies I watched:

Wait 'til You're Older (2005)

I RATE THIS: 3.5 *

A little boy who hates his father and stepmother wants to grow up so badly, so that he can leave the house. One night, he finds a magical potion that can actually boost up the human physical growth. The magic works perfectly, but what if there is no turning around? What if regrets are no use? What if the future is the only thing you can look up to? And what if your life will end in the count of hours, minutes or seconds? Will you still long for the same thing?

P.S. I watched this during Chinese class together with my teacher and my classmates. The cover may not be that interesting, but trust me, this movie is gooooood. It contains valuable life lessons. It is extremely inspiring and heartbreaking - it makes you cry, or at least, that's what it did to me.

500 Days of Summer (2009)

I RATE THIS: 4.5 *

The movie starts off with Tom Hansen reflecting on his past with Summer Finn. Tom fell in love with Summer, a girl with a heart made of ice, so deeply, that he thought she was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They soon became more than friends. Unfortunately, Summer did not believe in love, and so she stated that they "don't have to put a label on it". With all of his might and courage, Tom tried to convince Summer that love is real.

P.S. This movie pictures how little things can be so sweet when done with love. Oh my gosh, I love Tom Hansen! :')

Last book I read:

I RATE THIS: 3 *

The book is a little bit too long for the story. It clearly is not that great compared to the book written by the same author: This Lullaby.

Some quotes may give you some idea of the insides of the book.
I love Sarah Dessen. :)

"I'd long ago learned not to be picky about farewells. They weren't guaranteed or promised. You were lucky, more than blessed, of you got a good-bye at all."

"For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You can never know for sure, so you'd better make every second count.'"

"But if everything was always smooth and perfect, you'd get used to that, you know? You have to have a little bit of disorganization now and then. otherwise, you'll never really enjoy it when things go right."

"What you need, what you deserve, is a guy who adores you for what you are. Who doesn't see you as a project, but a prize. you know?"

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong."

"It's just that...I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is."

"There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment."

"That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. But there was one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening. Right then...and every moment afterwards. Look, there. Now. Now. Now."

2009-11-22T02:17:00.000+07:00

Greetings, my dearest readers!

Now I bet you all wonder why I'm still awake at this second when Dreamland is where I'm supposed to be. I have spent my Saturday working on my Business essay (not to mention the many hours of procrastination :P ) and I am currently working on my English assessment (well, not anymore. I'm typing this blog post). We are asked to make a hard news on the death of Curley's wife from John Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men". Urgh, whatever. I hate that book and this crappy task.

I am so definitely worn out. All I want is just to close my eyes and doze off. I guess I'll just continue this thing this morning.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm gonna have my aikido exam today - wish me luck!

2009-11-19T00:35:00.000+07:00

Hoammm~ I'm so darn sleepy. I have something to say though. So here's a downright silly poem I just finished writing a second ago. My eyes are blurry and my head is buzzing - you get what I mean, right? Okay then, good night. I hope you like it. :D

......................................................................................................

Silly Poem for the Silly One
-Felisa Lestari Tan-

You give me the feelings,
that I have never felt before,
and now I'm staring at the ceiling,
thinking of whom I've been giving my heart for

Every look you throw my way,
and every time you walk into the room,
my heart pounds like HEY!
I can hardly breathe...

Funny how every word you say,
sounds akin to angel lullabies,
melodious, and soothing,
makes my heart go singing

And when you say hello,
then pull up that gentle smile I know,
you turn around my terrible day,
without even trying to be fay!

It's freaky how your breathing,
constantly knocks off my train of thought,
makes me forget all the world,
and it all happens in just one blow

It's even more amazing how all your flaws,

seem more like sprinkles on vanilla ice cream,

adorning the plain white surface,

instead of worms coming out of apples

You are like a bug,

leaving me no clue,

playing like a drug,

that I just can't shoo

Now I know you've heard enough,

of those words that's been said too much,

but just in case you forgot:

please remember once in a while,

that all I'm really saying is I love you. ♥

-----------------------------

see you all!

Dear birds flying gracefully in the skies above,

2009-11-17T23:34:00.000+07:00

I envy you
I want to be you,
for you have wings to fly with

I wish I could have a pair, too
I wish I could appear in front of his window right now,
and just watch him fall asleep...

2009-11-17T22:19:00.002+07:00

"Wherever you go, if my heart was a house, you'd be home."

-Owl City ♥

2009-11-13T23:41:00.000+07:00

Remember that day when I talked about how confused I was? I mentioned here in this post.
Well, I actually was typing a poem about it, but I found myself too exhausted to think about it. So, I decided to throw it away. Anyway, I was going through my blog posts and it was apparently saved as draft. I opened it and I thought that maybe some more lines would be great. Look, this is all for the sake of literature, not for him! Well, okay, a tiny itsy bit is for him. SHUSHHHHHH! Switch the topic, switch the topic. Anywaysssssssssss, here is the poem. I hope you enjoy reading it. :)

Even the Heart don't Know

-Felisa Lestari Tan-

In a room full of people,

I feel emptiness,

I don't want to think of nothing,
yet I find myself longing for your presence

I wander along the same path,

that we once walked on,

at the same time of day,

when we walked on it

Same place, same timing,

the only difference is,

I now have my iPod in hand,
'cause you're not here with me,

and Mr. Time is slowing down,

I wonder if he is worn out just like me

I'm doing just like a cassette player,

rewinding each and every memory of you,

every word and every silence,

every touch and every distance,

every step, every laugh, every smile,

everything

The smell of the grass,

the afternoon breeze in my hair,

if only you were here,

this place would be so much more alive

Dear fair angels of Heaven,

grant me a wish,

lend me your wings,

I need them to fly myself to him

Trynna keep it hidden,

but I can't stand the miss,

so, tell me, love,

have I passed your mind today?
'cause I've missed you so much...

P.S. To be honest, I can't find a title that can really sum up all the message of this poem. I'm not even sure if that was all I wanted to say, even more of how to call it. So, I picked "Even the Heart don't Know", because the truth is, I have no idea of what I was feeling. I mean...how is it possible to miss someone whom you just talked to a minute ago?? It's just...creepy. Clearly, I missed that guy. But it's not as simple as it sounds, there were bunch of other things going on in my head; things that were much greater, things that may actually be left unsaid . . .

The Chemistry

2009-11-12T22:25:00.000+07:00

If we look deeply into the scientific basis,

THIS

and THIS

they just couldn't be, could they?

I mean...come on - a lizard and a microscopic flea?

It's just an ugly truth.

It's nobody's fault, it's just one of nature's law.

Maybe this somehow pictures my situation.

I am stuck in this shallow tube or whatever u call it.

I should surely get out, but I honestly don't want to.

Yes, even though I know I'm suffocating in here.

Maybe it's our chemistry...they don't meet.

Maybe it's meant to be?

Whatevs,

I don't love you, (or at least...I'm trying to).

But okay...well, yes, I love you.

There I say it.

2009-11-12T21:30:00.000+07:00

He wants to be a sloth.

I think it's scary and disgusting as hell.

But if you transform yourself into it just so that you can hang onto my back wherever I go,

I seriously wouldn't mind.

As long as I got you, everything's fine, everything's alright.

2009-11-10T22:15:00.000+07:00

I'm not Barbie, or some girl on mag cover.
I don't have those sexy curves and my hair is dry.
I don't wear those fancy girlie clothes and I love sneakers.
No matter what you say and however you like it,
I'm sorry, but baby, that's just me!
And too bad, I love me.
You don't like me?
Stay away.
No big deal. ;)

2009-11-09T20:39:00.000+07:00

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I got 6 out of 6 in Science for the first time in my life, EVER!

I'm serious. No lying!

It was Chemistry to be specific.

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that we can love anything we want to love.

Anything we can dream, we can achieve.

And the most beautiful truth is that science. can. be. TAMED. ;)

What I used to hate, I love. <3